On the Self: Am I True to Who I Am?

I'd like to talk a little about the concept of the self. Sometimes the hardest question to answer in life is not the secret of the universe but 'who am I?'. Knowing, understanding and recognising ourselves seems like something we should simply and naturally be able to do, doesn't it? In reality it may not be that easy. Many of us even find ourselves acting out not who we are but "who we should be", living lives in which we don't feel comfortable or at peace. Rights and wrongs, shoulds and musts, expectations and burdens, if-onlys and regrets, 'if it had been that way, it would have turned out this way': the list goes on. So how will we answer the question 'who am I'? Can we speak of a way of being me, of our self? According to psychoanalyst Winnicott's theory of the self, there are two different ways of being: the true self and the false self. Let me put it simply. From the moment it comes into the world, the baby or child is helpless and depends on someone else to live and to feel safe, yet it is actually quite spontaneous, acting according to its needs and desires. It needs the help, the holding and the sense of safety provided by a caregiver, a good-enough mother. A child who can exist with the feeling 'Yes, the world is trustworthy, I'm not helpless, when I show my needs they are met, when I'm stressed I'm soothed, I'm satisfied and I'm safe' builds a self on a sense of trust like 'I can trust my needs, wishes and desires; they are perfectly natural and can be answered'. In other words, people who can live true to their true self can exist in a way that says 'I can be in the world with my own self, and I can show it openly and live it.' However, a baby or child whose needs and desires are not adequately met, or who is even made to feel that these needs and desires are unacceptable or unmanageable, gradually moves away from them, and therefore from their connection with themselves. Without knowing it, they come to treat some of their needs or desires as unacceptable and begin to replace them with whatever is more 'acceptable' within that system. Over time, these later additions come to take the place of their true self. We might describe the false self as a kind of collection of masks. So questions like who we are, what kind of person we are, how much of the person we think we are reflects our true self and how much the false self, and whether we're living the life we want, may not be easy to answer in one sitting.

Psychologist Lindsay Gibson uses a similar concept, the role self, and describes a role identity we take on in childhood, particularly to adapt to emotionally immature parents… "The good child", "the one who doesn't cause trouble", "the one who isn't a burden", "the one who keeps everyone happy", and so on. Over time this role self becomes so internalised that it begins to drown out the voice of our real needs and our true self. Fortunately the true self doesn't disappear; it just goes quiet. And for it to become visible again usually takes honesty, a little courage and a compassionate inner space. Our role self helped us a lot to get through life back then, yes… But the healing side of adulthood is that we can now return to our own truth. For this, I'll suggest a few exercises drawn from Lindsay Gibson's book. If you're curious about yourself and want to see how your different selves show up, you can try the exercise below.

Exercise: Awakening Your True Self

• This exercise will help you become more aware of your true self.
• Go to a quiet place where you won't be disturbed.
• Take a sheet of paper and a pen.
• You can begin whenever you're ready.

• Fold the paper in half lengthwise.
• On one side, write the heading "my true self".
• On the other side, write the heading "my role self".

• Now go to the true self side and think about this: "What was I like as a child?"
• Try to write slowly, honestly and sincerely.
• What were you like before you tried to be like someone else?
• What did you love doing before you learned to judge and criticise yourself?
• If you could be who you really are (and had no money worries), what would your life be like right now?
• Remember what you were like before fourth grade.
• What were you interested in?
• Who were your favourite people, and what did you love about them?
• What did you like to do when you had free time?
• What kinds of games did you like to play?
• What was a perfect day like for you?
• What really boosted your energy?
• Write down everything that comes to mind about these questions, as it comes, in no particular order.

• Once you've written enough on the true self side, turn the paper over to the role self side.
• Now think deeply about who you have to be in order to be appreciated and loved.
• Are you currently busy with things you're not really interested in?
• What makes you do them?
• Does doing them make you feel like a good person?
• Are there people around you who drain your energy and wear you out?
• Why do you spend time on these things that bother you?
• How would you describe the social role you try to play?
• How do you hope others will understand you?
• Which of your personal traits do you try to hide?
• What would you be glad for people not to know about you?

Once you've completed this part too, I'll ask you to put the paper away completely. Don't pick it up for at least a day. Come back to this post the next day.

• Open the paper, smooth it out, and look at and compare both sides.
• Which side weighs more?
• Do you think you mainly live your true self, or the role self that rules your life?
• How did comparing these selves make you feel, and is there anything you'd like to change?

This exercise can help you see in which areas your true self is dominant, and notice whether you mainly live your true self or your role self. You might think about what you could do, or what you need, to get closer to your true self. Afterwards, if you like, you can explore what came up, and more, in therapy.

Source: Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. New Harbinger Publications.

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