Pop Psychology and Relationship Labels: Lovebombing, Ghosting, Gaslighting

In my previous article I wrote about how diagnoses and labels in psychiatry, when misused, limit our understanding of human experience rather than deepening it. This tendency to label doesn't stay in clinical settings; through pop-psychology terms it seeps into our everyday relationships and into the language of dating. Concepts we hear so often lately, like 'lovebombing', 'ghosting' or 'gaslighting', sit exactly at this point.

Let me explain with lovebombing as an example. Lovebombing, ghosting, gaslighting: these are words that have recently entered everyday speech. Say you had a short relationship and you're telling a friend: "There was someone I'd liked for a while; at first they lovebombed me, then they ghosted me. I didn't understand anything, I feel awful." Put this way, the other person gets a rough idea of what you're talking about. But what exactly did you mean, what did you go through, what did you experience and how? That part isn't very clear. With the words lovebombing and ghosting you used a category similar to a diagnosis. It's like saying "I lost my dog, I'm depressed" instead of "I lost my dog, I'm in so much pain, I can't focus on anything else, I'm so sad, I can't enjoy anything." You took a shortcut and said something, but is lovebombing or ghosting experienced and understood the same way by everyone?

Three Cases of "Lovebombing"

Let's imagine three people who say the sentence above, and ask each of them to describe and explain what happened without using the words lovebombing and ghosting.

Person A: "I met someone who was very attentive to me from the very first moment, maybe even a little too attentive; I couldn't tell whether it was sincere or exaggerated. They made me feel very special: compliments, gifts, plans for the future. But at the same time it all felt very fast and I couldn't quite make sense of it; there was something hurried about them, as if someone were chasing them, and a bit of an effort to impress. Still, I wanted to give it a chance; their intense interest made me feel good and important. As soon as I started showing some interest and making plans together, they suddenly seemed to cool off and began acting differently than before, as if someone else were writing the messages. Then, all of a sudden, they practically vanished. For days now they haven't answered my messages or calls. I'm confused and there are things I can't make sense of; it's a really awful feeling. I feel deceived, or ignored."

Person B might say something like this: "There was someone I'd liked for a while, and I noticed they were interested in me too. We started dating, and on our first date the conversation flowed so easily; there were things they were curious about me, I could read the excitement in their eyes, time flew, we laughed a lot. When I got home they sent me funny messages about what we'd talked about, and every morning they'd text me good morning or ask how my day was going. When I was sick they got worried, came over and made me soup. It was lovely like this for a while. Yesterday they left on a trip abroad, and just as I thought everything was fine, this morning there's no call, no message, no news: everything stopped at once. They literally went abroad and forgot about me. I feel awful."

And let Person C say: "I had met someone new, and from the first day I felt we had an amazing connection. We were messaging constantly, they shared every moment of their day with me, sent long messages that made me feel deeply valued, and planned everything, from where we'd go on holiday next summer to the activities we'd do together. Everything was very fast and dreamlike, and I kept up with that pace. But a few weeks later I noticed that when I made a decision about my life without asking their opinion, or wanted to spend time with my own friends, they turned cold for a moment and reproached me. From the controlling attitude that surfaced whenever the attention dropped, I understood that those gestures and that intense interest weren't really love, but a way to fit me into the mould they wanted, to settle at the centre of my life and control me. After a while that intensity gave way to accusations, and when I pulled back, they cut off contact completely."

First of all, when these three people describe the situation this way, we can see that very different things happened. Same category, different experiences. Beyond that, when they explain what they went through instead of just using the words lovebombing and ghosting, they express themselves, perhaps begin to understand the situation more clearly, and get to feel and share their emotions. Does this mean we should never say lovebombing or ghosting again? No. Do these words have a place and a meaning in communication, in dating and in relationships? Yes. But on their own, without telling and without understanding, these words are not enough.

On top of all this, these labels can have another downside. Imagine, for instance, that you start to categorise the love, interest and care someone shows you as lovebombing; that risk is always there. You may find yourself in an insecure place, doubting what you're experiencing and unable to let go of control. Which is real interest and love, and which is excessive, off-balance and fake? Just like with depression: which is natural, genuine sadness, and which is pathological? The sadness you feel when your dog dies is not depression; it's natural sadness, it's grief. Feeling this way is part of being human, and it is not "unhealthy". Once you call it depression, it becomes something that needs to be worked through and treated so you can live more peacefully and fully. Relationships also have many different dynamics; if you only think of the other person as doing something to you, you may see yourself as passive, or become more blind to yourself. Relationships take two.

In short, the diagnoses, categories and labels we use can be useful, but sometimes they narrow the space and make the matter more superficial. Taking care with them, both in the language we use and in healthcare, makes it easier to understand, to agree, and to be understood.

You can read my previous article on the meaning of diagnoses in psychology here: Are Diagnoses Misleading?

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